Forgiven
One of the hardest things we can do for our own wellbeing is to forgive. To me, forgiveness is the release of any negative emotions or thoughts held against oneself or another person as a result of an offense or harm done. The offender does not have to inflict any pain on us directly, we could have observed it or heard about it from others. Forgiveness can become a point of contention when it is other-focused and about holding another person accountable for their actions. We then choose to withhold our forgiveness until our expectations of contrition and remorse are met. In the interim, that person(s) will torment our minds, as we ruminate on all the wrongdoings inflicted on us and others. We will find ourselves always talking about the person and their actions as if it was a recent occurrence. Decades can go by and the offender may even die leaving us stuck in the loop of all that pain.
As for ourselves, guilt and shame often accompany unforgiveness. We tend to believe that we are undeserving of any forgiveness and should be punished. This can lead to low self-esteem and self-worth. Similarly, unforgiveness can show up in both our physical (e.g., heart disease, diabetes, ulcers) and mental health (depression, anxiety, sleep problems). It is important to note here that forgiveness does not mean you need to reconcile with the offender. Forgiveness is about our inner work regardless of what the offender is doing in their life.
To embark on a journey of forgiveness takes courage to examine our inner selves in order to do the work needed for healing and freedom to occur.
One of the worse periods of my life was in my 20s. My self-esteem was shot and I had a trail of broken relationships. It was during that time I felt actual hatred. My thought life was dark and my emotions gravitated towards the negative. I felt empty and helpless. I felt like I was at the mercy of others and no matter how hard I tried, the answer was no. I remember almost being buried by the weight of my negative experiences, to the point I questioned my reason for living. I looked for my worth in others—friends, family, and partners. It was never enough. For about three months, my dreams became significantly darker and scarier. Then one night while asleep, I heard a voice say, “if you keep on living the way you do, you will not live to see the new year. It is time for you to choose life or death.” Although I was scared I ignored it like I did the other dreams. After the third night, I realized that it was the Lord speaking to me. It was like my life flashed before my eyes. It was the first time I paused long enough to reflect on my own life. I woke up the next morning and decided that I needed to get my act together. I sought out counseling, attended church more, and started examining those in my circle of influence. For many years I went to church because I had to as a teenager and then because of my friend’s faith. I didn’t realize that I was not doing it for me and my own desire to know the Lord.
Let me tell you, taking the time to look inward is HARD and UGLY! Many days I would look in the mirror and wonder who was looking back at me. It took several years of going through my family history, my relationship history, my thoughts, and beliefs before I could even look at myself without words of condemnation. I remember one exercise I did. I wrote a list of all the people who hurt me going as far back into my childhood as I could remember. I hadn’t realized how many grudges I was holding onto until I had pages of names. I categorized them based on levels of offense and pain. Then one by one I chose to forgive them. I prayed for strength and healing to do so. Some were easy. All I needed to do was to say the words and believe it and I felt a release. When I got to the more painful memories and people, I felt my entire body and mind tense up and reject the idea. It was a literal fight to say the words out loud. For days, weeks and months I would repeat those words over and over until the tears stopped and the raw emotions went away.
During that process, I also noticed that the quality of my dreams was becoming happier and hopeful. Some of the people in my inner circle became distant and eventually, our relationships fizzled. I was beginning to interact with people without the baggage of my past. To be honest, it was strange. I was getting to know them as individuals.
The next step of my journey was to forgive myself. As the burden of all those grudges were being lifted, I had room to look at myself with some grace. Imagine having to add your own name to a list of grudges you had harbored for years. I had internalized so many messages told to me by trusted others over the years. I had to dig deep to connect those messages to the source. I did not grow up around contrite people who willingly admitted their wrongs and sought forgiveness. I certainly struggled with apologizing and seeking forgiveness from others. Saying the words and believing that I was forgiven was not enough. It was then I recalled a sermon I saw on the television years before that spoke of the benefits of using scripture about your identity in Christ to speak over your life. Ironically, I was already in my clinical program where I was expected to be in therapy and to do the self-work to avoid causing any harm to my clients. There I learned about thought-stopping, thought-replacement, and words of affirmation. I decided to find all the scriptures that I wished I could live up to and gospel music that spoke those words. Then on a daily basis, I would play those songs and speak those scriptures to myself. After a while, when the words of condemnation would bubble up, automatically the lyrics of the songs and those scriptures would start playing in my head and eventually drown out the negativity. Whether you are religious or not, create your own words of affirmation and a playlist that speaks to the character you aspire to. The words and lyrics should directly contradict the negative messages playing in your head.
After a decade of consistently forgiving myself and others including those who do not deserve it, I can tell you how much lighter I feel on the inside. I can think about ex-partners and others who were on those pages and feel no negative emotion. In fact, some of them I can’t even remember and others I can share those experiences like I was speaking about something benign. The contrast between how I was and how I am is significant.
Nowadays, I pay attention to the quality of my dreams, my thought patterns, and any grudges that I am holding. Of course, I am human and find myself being triggered by annoying people. Like today, I woke up annoyed by an individual who regularly upsets me. I thought to myself this level of annoyance is cumulative for sure. How can I write a blog about forgiveness while holding some unforgiveness against this person? I got out of bed, exercised, and played some gospel music until I felt myself settle. Then I reached out to that person about the situation that I found extremely frustrating in a way that was generic and not focused on my feelings. The exchange went so well that I was quickly reminded of how my negativity in the past would ruin many encounters.
Like with everything in life, change happens when you are consistent and purposeful. Do not be afraid to seek support from others like a therapist or a trusted other. Whoever you choose should give you objective feedback and empower you with the tools to make the needed changes in your life. They should not tell you what to do and judge you if you don’t do what they suggest.
Here are some of the lessons I have learned about forgiveness over the years:
Influences on your ability to forgive
Family history with forgiveness
Chronic abuse and toxic relationships
Lack of knowledge about what it means to forgive
Symptoms of unforgiveness
You hold grudges for years or decades even after someone has died
Offenders can easily experience the “you don’t exist to my treatment”
You are bitter. Your perspective on life, relationships, people is negative.
You speak of every hurt or offense [minor or major] as if it just happened
You reject anyone who wants to reconcile and move on
You are known by friends and family as someone who does not forgive
People around you are tired of hearing your “woe is me” stories especially when the person(s) you speak of are living their best lives
You may struggle with any of these—depression, anxiety, heart disease, high cholesterol, sleep problems, diabetes, and others
Benefits of forgiveness
Freedom
Peace of mind
Better sleep
Ability to turn your negative experiences into testimonies
Empowered to live your best life
Be present in new situations without the baggage from your past
Improved self-worth and self-acceptance
Six Questions to think about forgiveness
What did it feel like when you first forgave another person?
How did you know that you had forgiven that person? What was different?
What did it feel like when you first forgave yourself?
How did you know that you had forgiven yourself successfully?
Can you think of a time when you were forgiven?
What was that like for you?
Were you remorseful or indifferent to that person’s feelings before it happened?
6. Is there someone who immediately comes to mind when you think about forgiveness?
What is keeping you from forgiving them?