The Courage to Leave
Driven by a need to please others, to do what is expected and to avoid turning our worlds topsy-turvy, we stay in unhealthy and often harmful circumstances. We allow our fear of the future, fear of rejection, shame, helplessness, hopelessness, lack of resources or simply our acceptance of the familiar to keep us stuck. Our family, friends, and acquaintances typically have opinions on what they think we should do and will not hesitate to let us know. But the question is what are we afraid of?
When I was going through difficulties with my fiancé, I stopped wearing my engagement ring, as I contemplated ending the relationship. I remember nosy folks around me commenting on my missing engagement ring. Interestingly, many of those same individuals never congratulated me when I got engaged. I remember feeling the pressure of people looking at my hand and asking intrusive questions. My pastor at the time who I sought counsel from, said one thing that has stayed with me to this day: all those doubts and alarm bells that are going off, you can choose to listen to them or face the consequences years into the marriage. You can cry tears now or later.
I finally ended the relationship without the input of all the different people who had opinions on the matter. I chose to inform those closest to me after the fact. It was important for me to make that decision for me. Needless to say, I experienced shame and feelings of unworthiness the entire time. I wondered if I’d be single for the rest of my life. I felt regret for investing my time and energy into the relationship and for losing myself along the way—I dressed differently, grew my hair out because he preferred longer hair and agreed to things that I thought was me “compromising”. But deep in my heart I knew leaving was the right decision for me.
When I was finally free, I cut my hair, got rid of some of the long dresses and skirts that had taken over my wardrobe, and re-evaluated my life. Then one day I woke up and went about my business without caring what anyone thought about my broken engagement. I had a sharp retort for anyone seeking to shame me with their unsolicited opinions. After all, I am a Caribbean woman! My heart healed and to date I have no regrets about my decision to leave.
Now more than a decade later, after multiple relationships, I have such peace with my singlehood and the woman that I have become. I have chosen to be happy single rather than unhappily connected.
Over the years, I knew many women who stayed in abusive relationships. I was quite judgmental in my younger days. I would rant about women who stayed in such relationships, as if I knew exactly what they should do with their lives. But then I became a clinician and worked with victims of domestic violence. All that judgment, self-righteousness and logic had to be left at the door. For once, I needed to listen and to understand each woman’s personal story in order to empower her to make the decision to leave on her own terms. Often when we tell friends and family members to just leave him or her, we are putting their lives at risk and confirming all the lies that their abuser would have told them about us. It is an open door for them to be isolated from the support that they absolutely need!
I take an intergenerational perspective on all things related to relationships and family dynamics. I want to understand your family history, other relationships where those abusive behaviors manifest and I want to know how you feel about those experiences. I want you to tell me what your ideal relationship would look like. I want to know why you love your partner and why you choose to stay. I will give you the tools to empower you and help you make decisions that are best for your family. Whether you leave or stay, it is because you made that decision. It is not because I have imposed what I think is the best decision for you. Research shows that on average, a victim of domestic violence will leave the relationship 7 times before they permanently leave either dead or alive.
Sometimes, we need the courage to leave our jobs. So many of us have stayed in dead-end jobs or in positions that are “perfect” by other people’s standards. We are told to be grateful we have a job or how lucky we have it. But day after day there is a feeling of misery at the thought of going to work. We think about the steady paycheck or the debt we have accumulated or other people’s praise of our job title. We wonder about following our passions but focus on all the reasons we can’t. Then we look at our peers, family, friends, and random people on social media who seem to be thriving as they follow their passion. We listen to everyone else’s story about how they got where they are. We feel envy…for their courage to take a leap of faith… for their lifestyle…for their success. We choose to stay stuck because launching into the unknown is scarier than what is familiar.
I remember one of my jobs at the university. I was so grateful to have a job and to have income to pay for school and my other bills. I was great at what I did but the environment soon became toxic. I dreaded going into the office but was stuck. I was an international student and did not have the luxury of quitting. I had to work really hard to not mouth off to my boss or create a situation where I would be fired. For a while, I genuinely believed that I had no options. But one day while speaking with one of the staff members in student activities, he recommended several alternative jobs that I could explore. It was the first time I realized that there were other options out there. About six months later, I had found two other jobs on campus that allowed me to experience leadership opportunities and build my network. I don't believe in rushing decisions, no matter how unhappy you are. When I finally left that job, I was able to do it on a positive note without any regrets. There was palpable tension between me and that boss for about a year or so when we encountered each other. But more than a decade later, we are friends and have such respect for each other. It's not just about leaving but about how you leave.
It takes courage to look yourself in the mirror and face the truth of your circumstance and who you’ve become. It takes courage to bide your time until it is safe to leave. It takes courage to choose a life that is different than the one you have. It takes courage to want a better life. It takes courage to seek help. It takes courage to leave in spite of the overwhelming fear holding you prisoner. It takes courage to walk into your destiny!
Here are 13 questions to ask yourself before you leave:
1. When was the last time you were truly happy?
What was special about that time?
What was going on in your mental, physical, and spiritual health?
What were your relationships [e.g., family, friends, colleagues] like?
If you were working, what was going on?
2. Now think about your current situation, what is different?
3. Are you in an enriching environment where you feel supported and encouraged to grow professionally, spiritually and personally?
4. Have you left a relationship or job before on your own terms?
What was the process like?
What did you do well?
What would you have done differently?
The Job
5. Are you in a financial position to leave your job?
What benefits and insurance do you have from your job?
How much would it cost your to have those benefits without a job?
Who is knowledgeable in this area for you to seek advice from?
What is your financial plan?
How will this change affect you and your family?
6. What skillsets do you need to get a better job?
Are there courses, seminars or workshops that you could attend to get those skills?
Are there are books you need to borrow or purchase to increase your knowledge?
Are you willing to put in the extra work [e.g., a second job, volunteering] to learn the new skills?
7. What jobs should you apply for?
8. Do you have colleagues or mentors who could write you glowing recommendations?
The Relationship
9. Are there safety concerns about leaving?
Have a safety plan in place before you attempt leaving?
Reach out to a domestic violence counselor for assistance
10. Are you financially dependent on your partner?
What would you need to be able to leave? Are there any family members or friends who could help you?
Do you have a job? Can you easily find a job? Are you willing to work multiple jobs in order to be independent from your partner?
11. Are you ending the relationship because it was your decision or because you feel pressured to do so by others?
12. What boundaries do you plan to put in place in ensure that you have the emotional and physical space to heal?
13. Are you willing to seek counseling to help you to move on?
Domestic Violence Resources: